Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
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this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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