Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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