We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
a search helicopter?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
