If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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