You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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