Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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