Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
