I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
