i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
