I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
