she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
