I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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