I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
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The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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