i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
