so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
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Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
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It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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