So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
