i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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