I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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