I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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