I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
