Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
