Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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