It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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