I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
