im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
