I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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