The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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