she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
