I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
MIDGETS
????
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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