I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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