My Higher Power is John Stamos
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Randomize
