I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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