i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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