Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
