I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
