Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
