Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
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I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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