hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
