he thought i was a dude.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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