Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
