just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
How's work?
Spinning.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Is Oprah even human
Randomize
