Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
