I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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