Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
