im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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