you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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