Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I want her autograph on my taint
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
