My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
