i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize