I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
