And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
