i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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