Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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