Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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