You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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