maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
