don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
